I love music. I have always turned to it when I am having a difficult day. Sometimes I find I can express how I am feeling by just listening to a song. Music has become an outlet for me during this new chapter in my life.
I came across this one CD by Demi Lovato (DONT JUDGE ME!) This CD isn't like that Disney crap she used to be making. It's her newest CD, and I am pretty sure these are all songs she recorded while she was at eatting treatment. (Dont quote me on this, I am too lazy to check to see if that's true) This is my go to CD in the car when I just want to drive late at night to clear my mind.
I am just going to go through a couple of my favorite songs and tell you a little bit about them and the best time to listen to them.
ALL NIGHT LONG
This song has one of the best beats I have ever heard. It's simple, but something about this song just makes you want to bust a move. Yeah, I am that person in the car singing this song out at the top of my lungs and dancing in my own little world.
MY LOVE IS LIKE A STAR
This song is kinda slow, but every time I hear it I smile. This is that lovey dovey song that you send that special someone right when you get home from seeing someone or you are on a trip. I love listening to it because it reminds me of what I had, and what I hope to find one day.
MISTAKE
This is the perfect song for that toxic relationship, where it seems like both people are just hurting. Dont pretend like you weren't in one, or knew someone that was in one. This is my go to song when I feel weak, it's my reminder that walking away was what needed to happen.
FIX A HEART
There isn't much I can say about this song, its just one of those songs you listen to and you just understand what I am talking about.
Sorry most of these songs are slow, but that first song is by far my favorite! Hope you enjoy them. This isnt much of a blog, sorry, I am really busy right now.
Today, I finally got a gym membership. Yea, I know millions of people have them, it isn't a big deal. But for me it is. I am not just getting a membership, I am taking a step to recovery.
Fora while now people working with me have been telling me "you need to get out and do something" "you need to keep yourself busy" "you cant just sit at home all day". They told me the more preoccupied I was the less likely I was to give in to my addiction. And for the longest time I didn't take their advance.
I don't know if I had been stalling to get one because I am just that lazy or I didn't want to feel good about myself when there was so much still wrong. I felt like getting a gym membership would be rewarding myself, when I haven't done anything to deserve one.
Today changed my mind about all of that. I realized its ok to want to feel good about yourself, and you don't have to always be doing everything right to do something good for yourself.
This gym membership is a second chance. I can start over and create a new me. A me I am proud of.
I lost one of the most important people in my life 7 months ago.This person leaving turned my world upside down, it felt like I was in middle of the ocean without a float. I found myself laying in bed for days staring at the wall, just laying in the same position my friends left me in. I wouldn't do anything. I just layed and stared. Eventually my friends would break into my dorm room though my suite mates room just to force me to eat and shower. God I can only imagine the odor I had created just staring for days.
It was a new feeling for me, it was the feeling of complete heartbreak. I had been so emotionally and mentally invested in this person that when it came time to say goodbye I went absolutely crazy. I had the worst mental breakdown, and I just went crashing down to rock bottom. I threw away my education, I lost my scholarship, I quit the college soccer team, and I burned almost every bridge I had with the important people in my life. All I could think about was making the pain stop, and it didn't matter who I took down just to feel better.
Once the college year was over, I had lost almost everything in a month that I had worked so hard for years to get. Emotions I had been bottling up for the last 3 years were just spewing out, and I had lost control of myself. And I was angry. I was angry at this person, I was angry at myself, I was at the world. I was to the point where I just wanted everyone else to feel the way I did, I wanted everyone to hurt the way I was. I didn't want to be the only anymore. So I just took it out on the world and everyone that mattered.
A couple weeks after returning home I was hanging out with my best friend every day. She has taken a turn south and was getting involved in drugs. I had always frowned upon the use of drugs and promised myself I would never do them. But within weeks of coming home I had found myself trying them just to see if it would help. At first I didn't do much of anything, just a little something here and there on the weekends. Then by the time my best friend was out for summer we had just gone on a crazy binge where a sober day was rare. I was so focused on getting high. I was so focused on forgetting, because I couldn't handle the emotions I was feeling, because I couldn't handle the pain.
I had officially hit rock bottom, and I didn't even care anymore. I was just like "F*** you, F*** the world, F*** life". I didn't care if I was killing myself, because I already thought I was dying. Then one day I saw this person driving in the car, and it was like I was waking up from a bad dream. I was so disappointed in myself, and I realized that I had to climb out of this grave I had created for myself. That's when things starting getting difficult.
I went to rehab for a little bit, but that didn't seem to help because I didn't want to talk. I thought that not talking would keep me numb, that if I didn't talk I wouldn't feel the pain as much. Eventually my parents let me go to to out-patient, which is what I am currently doing now. Every day has been a struggle, and sometime I forget why I am even trying to get better. It feels like I am just trying to get better so I can fight for the person I lost, but that just seems stupid in reality. So thats where I am currently in life.
I am struggling with an addiction and letting go. So this blog is going to document my journey to recovery. This is going to document my journey to putting the pieces back together. I hope that by my experiences someone else wont turn into me, and that I can help someone. Cause I could have used some help...I could use some help.
